Mike Fanning
Internship
Journal 9
"If you chronically avoid what you feel, eventually you do not know what you are feeling at all"-Steven Hayes, ch. 9
When working with a highly traumatized population, feelings, or rather avoidance of feelings, tend to pose the biggest challenge. These people will do whatever they can to avoid going into this dark, murky, and sometimes terrifying place. They will turn to drugs, sex, gambling, shopping, interloping, and other addictive activities to keep their minds occupied. If they do this, they can escape the pain. I run into this constantly when working with my high school students. All of them have a history of complex trauma, including severe neglect, physical, mental and sexual abuse. I know I have spoken about this ad nauseum but it is just so relevant to the ACT approach. I had an incident this afternoon with a student with a complex trauma history, including domestic and physical violence, in which this 15 year old female was looking to fight another 15 year old girl. I have worked with her for just about a year now, trying to help her recognize the physical and mental cues that will signal to her that she is about to "go dark." (Going dark is when she blacks out and goes into a blind rage and trauma reenactment.) She will strike anything that is in her way and she screams a scream that few people should ever have to hear. I could see her begin to pace in front of this other girl today, and I knew right away that she was about to get to the point where I would lose her. "Jackie*," I said. "It's happening. Can you feel it? Jackie, what do you feel right now?" Jackie, it's Mike. Can you feel your feet on the ground?
I had her. For a few moments. And then she was gone.
Her rage was so intense that when another administrator and I attempted to push her back into the front office to get her safely away from the other girl, she punched me four or five times in he stomach trying to get past me to fight the girl. She went into the principal's office and put a hole in the wall and screamed bloody hell.
I consider this progress, believe it or not. In the past when I have worked with this girl, she couldn't even acknowledge my presence when I would try to thwart her fighting efforts. This time, she stayed with me for a few moments, and for me this is so positive. From an Act perspective, I was trying to help bring awareness to her bodily experience as she was beginning to slip into her trauma response. I will continue to do this with her both on and off the battle field. I am confident that with persistence and patience, we can bring her to a place where she can recognize when she is about to hit the point of no return and able to turn back.
